Sparked by a conversation with an old flame last night over coffee, I went home and made my relationship map for 2006. There are twelve major people in it asides from myself, and another three I pencilled in but erased because it was amusingly complicated enough without them. Twelve bubbles with several lines and arrows swarming to & fro. Everyone is linked. The world is so small and my heartspace was even smaller, its anatomy traced out in spider-legged carbon on one page.
There was a lot of love on that page, especially for the first half of the year, but it all soured in ugly distaste & reasons gone stale by December. Looking at it now, it was the year without compartments, & instead, many many people, and it just got too messy trying to get everyone to fit. We all come with our own chaos. I was surprised by the ruthless unforgiving outlooks of people I held dear. I tried not to let it get to me but I failed, & it caused more breakdowns than my father did all year (a feat!). No more stories to tell here.
I think the biggest atmospheric change in 2006 for me was that while supporting one of my closest friends as she joined a band, I ended up discovering local music, lots of it, and sinking into gigs helped me a lot in finding something to do with my time after declaring myself single. I was willing to travel for music and I did (twice!), even if it was just to the country down south, but I traveled without parental supervision & we all know how liberating the first time is.
Anyway. I took a long hard look at the relationship map. And I sat down last night with all the unfinished business choking at my throat; my mistakes, my relationships, drama & warzones of female feelings. I can't drive myself mad over them anymore. Instead, it was a great help in terms of finding perspective for the new year.
I think I have a rough idea of how I want my 2007 to look like.
I know the kind of person I want to be when I turn 20.
I'm going to work hard to make that skin to grow old in.
This one, I feel it slip & I think I will let it go.
I wonder if you will do the same.
